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A Mother's Guilt

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Letting go of Josiah is something I really don't think about.  About a year ago I struggled with a tremendous amount of guilt.  I felt guilty about the amount of time I spent in the ER with him after he died. I still have the time table in my head.... 5:29pm I got home from work 19 minutes go by 5:48pm Marcel calls 911 5 minutes go by 5:53pm first responder arrives, we are transported to the ER 22 minutes go by 6:45pm Josiah is pronounced dead in the ER 11 minutes go by 6:56pm Marcel takes the first picture of me holding Josiah in the ER 1 hour and 4 minutes go by 8:30pm I look at the clock in our ER room and told Marcel...."Let's leave at 9:00pm." 45 minutes go by 9:15pm we tell the nurses we are ready to go, we kiss Josiah good bye for the last time 5 minutes go by 3 hours and 30 minutes from when we found Josiah we left his body at the hospital 9:20pm we meet the Medical Examiner on our way out...we walk back in with her to tell our story 55 minutes go by 10:15pm w...
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Since when do children matter more?

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  As I scroll through social media it becomes blatantly clear that children matter more than our spouses.  It makes me ask the question, since when do children matter more than our husbands or our wives?   Children are temporary.  I think I first heard this at our church and well when you think about it, it is true.  Our children are only temporary...they will grow, become adults, and leave our households to live their own lives.  Our marriages are permanent, or at least they should be. So if marriage is permanent when and why do our kids seem to overtake our marriages? As you scroll through your social media feeds do you notice an enormous amount of women (mostly) posting Valentine\"s Day posts showing off their kiddos?  Now I\"m not opposed to posting about your kids, hey I post a lot of pictures of my kids but when the majority of your "life" is just your kids, if your profile pictures is you and your kids, not your spouse, when someone has to ...
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2021 A New Year: thedirectorswife.net

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  Welcome back to my blog!  I am super excited to finally be typing again.  I often go through my day or week and think....oh I need to write about that but then I never do but today is different, today I am starting a new habit of writing every week and hopefully with a little discipline you will have a blog post every week from me!   D o you think I can do it?  Do you think I can post 52 posts this year?  The challenge is on!  As I type I feel so much better already!  Writing has always been one of my favorite ways to express myself.  So here we go! As you can see I have a new blog address...I'm so excited!  Please remember to come back to read my posts every week at 💚     thedirectorswife.net     ðŸ’š So simple and cute! I have so many ideas of what I will be sharing and here are just a few.  If you would like me to write about a specific topic please leave me a message in the comments and I...
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A Thank You Letter, 8 Months Later

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June 26, 2019 Chief James M. Hunt, Jr. Neptune Township Police Department 25 Neptune Blvd Neptune Township, NJ 07753 Bil Rosen, NRP Neptune Township Office of Emergency Management 25 Neptune Blvd Neptune Township, NJ 07753 Dear Chief Hunt and Bil Rosen, Eight months ago today, on October 26, 2018 the unimaginable happened when we found our 6 month old son Josiah, unresponsive in his crib.  I have been meaning to write this letter for some time now however these last eight months have been extremely difficult and I am just now allowing myself to take the time to thank those who were there for us that night. Both the Neptune Police Department and the Neptune OEM should be commended.  After my son's death I became obsessed with the timing in which everything happened.  I watched our "Ring" doorbell footage over and over again writing down the times of when things occurred that night .  I mention this because if you watched the videos you would see how fast ...
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The Church Directory and Pork'N'Beans

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It's been a pretty good week around here.  Grief is funny.  At times you feel almost "guilty" about being happy or doing "ok".  I'm learning from reading the Bible that you can mourn AND be happy at the same time.  It's quit an odd feeling. One thing that has really triggered me this week is The Church Directory.  Our church is in the middle of updating our directory and so they asked all of us to look at our picture and information and make any updates that are needed......gulp.....here is our picture from last year.... Do you see what I see????  Yep, no Josiah.  My heart sank when I realized we could not add him or have a family picture with him in our church directory.   This made me feel like he never existed.  It doesn't make sense to list someone who is no longer here.  I get that.  It just hurts...I wish he was in at least one directory.  It's like we just skipped that part of our families history.  ...
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Blessed Mother's Day

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Happy Mother’s Day!  I am so blessed. I woke up this morning and turned to my husband and said, "I am momma to 5 babies! I have had 5 babies grow in my womb."  That’s pretty amazing.  I know many of you think Mother’s Day was going to be unbearable for me, especially with the pain I went through last week during my birthday, but God is so amazing and has provided me with amazing comfort today.   For thus says the Lord: "Behold, I will extend peace to her like a river, And the glory of the Gentiles like a flowing stream. Then you shall feed; On her sides shall you be carried, And be dandled on her knees. As one whom hi smother comforts, So I will comfort you; And you shall be comforted in Jerusalem." Isaiah 66: 12-13 I am so blessed to have mothered 5 beautiful children.  Although 2 are not with us I give all glory to God for his 5 amazing gifts.  Baby #1 Name: Rayne Theodora Age when I had her: 19 Age she is now: 25 Wha...
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Why I Didn't Celebrate My Birthday

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For those who know me you know that my birthday is a big deal to me.....  It's one of the best days of the year! "Amy, when is your birthday?" Why, I'm so glad you asked....... CINCO DE MAYO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! In fact my Bridal Shower was also my 40th Birthday Celebration  and as you can see below a CINCO DE MAYO theme!  Perfect just perfect! This year I was silent. I did not announce that it was CINCO DE MAYO.   I did not change my cover photo on Facebook to a CINCO DE MAYO theme.   I did not want any attention drawn to my birthday. Why? Because I did not want to turn 45.   I did not want to leave year 44 behind.   When I turned 44 on May 5, 2018 I was a brand new momma to my baby boy Josiah.   He was 2 weeks old when we celebrated last year.   S o this past Sunday was fast approaching and although I did not know it at the time I began to have a...
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