The Director's Wife

i feel alone most of the time everyone has disappeared "my loved ones and my friends stand aloof from my plague,  and my relatives stand afar off" (psalm 38:11) i'm crying i'm alone i'm in pain i'm alone my arms are empty no one is here to fill them my breasts are filled with milk no one is here to drink my body wakes no one is crying my time is free there is only one to attend to now "but now Lord, what do I wait for? my HOPE is in YOU" (psalm 29:7) I love breastfeeding.  As the hours began to get longer and longer after Josiah died I was painfully aware he was not around.  My breasts began to swell, it was obvious he was not there to relieve me....I would have to do it myself. After we said goodbye to Josiah we began to leave the hospital.  Tressa Hiezenga was the police officer assigned to us and she walked us out.  In my hand I held the little purple box they gave us with a lo...

It has been tough.   I feel like I'm going insane. I do not want to feel this way. The pain is just too much. I'm holding on by a thread. I'm crazy....today when picking out my clothes I opened my drawer and then stared at my gray shirt with silver strips.  I stared at it for 2 minutes, then I made a conscience decision to pick it up and put it on.    This shirt is the shirt I wore the last time I saw my son alive.   It was the shirt I wore the last time I fed my son from my breast. This shirt is the shirt I wore the night I gave my son CPR.  The night I heard my breath enter my sons lungs as I watched his chest move up and down.    Insane. I do not know how to deal with this pain.  It gets better, then it gets worse. Some might say, why?  Why do you torture yourself by wearing that shirt.  Well I'll tell you, because it makes me feel closer my son.  It reminds me of what...

Will I forget him?  This is what I fear most.   The days after Josiah left us I was in such a panic because I feared Adeline would not remember her brother.  I would talk about him all the time with her, practically forcing him down her throat.   For the first 30 days she did not even mention him.   Hello????    He's your brother.... I was sick with the possibility that she would forget him.   Why aren't you asking where he is???   Why aren't you looking for him????? Probably around month 2 Adeline began to talk about Josiah on her own.  We ask Jesus every night to give Josiah a big hug and kiss in heaven because we miss him.  The other day she randomly said she missed him....although this is sad it also made me EXTREMELY HAPPY to hear her say those words on her own. Josiah and Adeline  were only 27 months apart. They were just beginning to play together.  We were trying...

Dear Sweet Friend, I am so sorry you are receiving this letter.  You see, this is a letter to help you prepare for a tremendous amount of pain.  I do not want to write this letter but I fear if you do not get this information in a timely manner you will drown to death and be of no use to those you love.  Please listen to my advise.  Take a little of it or take a lot but at least listen.   He's coming....this evil, dark, overwhelming, powerful beast called grief.  You can not outrun him, you can not hide from him, you can not overpower him.  He is much stronger and bigger than you. MUCH STRONGER AND BIGGER THAN YOU. His black cloud will sneak up on you, he will wrap his dark, black arms around you when you least expect it.  He will take you down... not all the time, but sometimes you will be taken down by his strength, you will be forced to lie on the ground or in your bed and he will not let you get up until he feels like ...