I'M GOING INSANE

It has been tough.  

I feel like I'm going insane.

I do not want to feel this way.

The pain is just too much.

I'm holding on by a thread.

I'm crazy....today when picking out my clothes I opened my drawer and then stared at my gray shirt with silver strips.  I stared at it for 2 minutes, then I made a conscience decision to pick it up and put it on.   

This shirt is the shirt I wore the last time I saw my son alive.  

It was the shirt I wore the last time I fed my son from my breast.

This shirt is the shirt I wore the night I gave my son CPR.  The night I heard my breath enter my sons lungs as I watched his chest move up and down.   

Insane.

I do not know how to deal with this pain.  It gets better, then it gets worse.

Some might say, why?  Why do you torture yourself by wearing that shirt.  Well I'll tell you, because it makes me feel closer my son.  It reminds me of what he felt like in my arms.  It remind what his 22 pounds 8 ounces felt like.  What his skin felt like.  What his body smelled like.  It reminds me of the feeling I had when I realized I would have to leave my son at the hospital.  I remember looking at the clock and telling Marcel 9 o'clock babe, we will leave him at 9 o'clock.  

How do you leave your 6 month old son at the hospital?  How do you walk out the door?  How do you tell the ER staff that you are ready to go?  If I think about it too long I start to regret that I didn't stay longer with Josiah.  I wish I held him longer.  I wish I kissed him and rubbed his head, smelled his skin one more time.  

I wish.