Wait & Hope

i feel alone most of the time

everyone has disappeared

"my loved ones and my friends

stand aloof from my plague, 

and my relatives stand afar off"

(psalm 38:11)

i'm crying

i'm alone

i'm in pain

i'm alone

my arms are empty

no one is here to fill them

my breasts are filled with milk

no one is here to drink

my body wakes

no one is crying

my time is free

there is only one to attend to now

"but now Lord, what do I wait for?

my HOPE is in YOU"

(psalm 29:7)

I love breastfeeding.  As the hours began to get longer and longer after Josiah died I was painfully aware he was not around.  My breasts began to swell, it was obvious he was not there to relieve me....I would have to do it myself.

After we said goodbye to Josiah we began to leave the hospital.  Tressa Hiezenga was the police officer assigned to us and she walked us out.  In my hand I held the little purple box they gave us with a lock of his hair, the casting of his feet, and his hand and feet prints.  I also carried the blue blanket they wrapped him in.  I felt like everyone in the ER waiting room knew what just happened, I felt all eyes on me.

As we were walking out the nurse from the Medical Examiner's office walked in the entrance with what appeared to be a bag or tool box of some sort.  She asked us if we could stay to talk with her and we said ok.  She went to look for a room which took 30 minutes....I began to get impatient...I just wanted to get home to our 2 girls.  

After half an hour she came out and led us back to the same room we kneeled in and cried out to Jesus for a miracle while they were working on our boy.  It was also the same room we were where the detectives interviewed us in. And now it was the room we would speak to the ME office in.

We spent the next hour and half talking to her.  Marcel and I were both so tired but we definitely wanted to get this over with so we stuck it out.  She was very kind, and compassionate.

She asked us very detailed questions about Josiah, about my pregnancy with him, about his birth, about the 6 months he was here.  I loved talking about him.

I interrupted her and asked, "Did you see him?"  I then realized that's what was taking her so long to come get us, she was with Josiah. 

She said, "Yes, I saw him, he is beautiful."  I told her, "yes he is, he is perfect."

She then proceeded to ask us questions about what took place during the hours before, during, and after he died.  She asked questions like,

     "What was he wearing?"

     "A white onesie, short sleeve green pj top, and a blue               blanket sleeper."

     "Do you know what temperature the room was?"

     "72 degrees..."

     "Wow you pay attention to details."

     "I know it was 72 degrees in the living room because when I  

     got home from work I thought it was TOO HOT and I looked at  

     the thermostat and put the heat down.  It said 72 degrees.  

     Our room where Josiah was sleeping is usually about 5-10 

     degrees cooler than the living room."

     "What happened once you found him?"

     "Marcel was on the phone with 911, I took off his sleep sack 

     and started CPR on our bed, I then put him on the floor and 

     swept his mouth twice.  I knew the EMT's would be coming in so 

     I then moved him to the living room and continued chest 

     compressions."

     "Are you in the medical field because you talk like it for 

     instance you said you swept his mouth twice?"

     "Kind of, I've worked with disabilities for 18 years, I know 

     CPR and I've been in a lot of hospitals with my clients so I'm 

     medical minded."

We finally were able to leave the hospital to pick up Autumn and Adeline.  Before we left I asked the ME nurse if she would be with Josiah.  She told me she would not be transporting him to the ME's office but she would be there all day tomorrow in the building where he was going to be for his autopsy.  This made me feel so good, knowing a woman was going to be with him that I knew.

We stayed in a hotel the first 2 nights after his death.  I had to pump my breast milk.  At first I wanted to donate it, I actually had a friend who's son was born premature and in the NICU, she was willing to take my milk for him until I realized I was on an anti-depressant and I could not donate my milk.  

Pouring my milk down the kitchen drain as incredibly painful.  I took pictures of my milk.  I was angry, sad, devastated that this milk I was pumping was supposed to be for Josiah.  My milk finally dried up....talk about a slow depressing process.  Sitting on my bed hooked up to my pump, knowing it was going to be poured out....it makes no sense....still doesn't. 

As the Psalmist says my hope is in the Lord.  I will wait on Him.  I will not lie it is extremely hard to have hope, but it's all I can do right now.  

Wait and hope.  Wait and hope.  Wait and hope.