Why I Didn't Celebrate My Birthday

For those who know me you know that my birthday is a big deal to me.....

 It's one of the best days of the year!

"Amy, when is your birthday?"

Why, I'm so glad you asked.......

CINCO DE MAYO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In fact my Bridal Shower was also my 40th Birthday Celebration 

and as you can see below a CINCO DE MAYO theme!  Perfect just perfect!

This year I was silent.

I did not announce that it was CINCO DE MAYO.  

I did not change my cover photo on Facebook to a CINCO DE MAYO theme.  

I did not want any attention drawn to my birthday.

Why?

Because I did not want to turn 45.  

I did not want to leave year 44 behind.  

When I turned 44 on May 5, 2018 I was a brand new momma to my baby boy Josiah.  

He was 2 weeks old when we celebrated last year.  

So this past Sunday was fast approaching and although I did not know it at the time I began to have a sense of dread.  On Saturday May 4th Marcel (Ryan) officiated his best friends wedding.  Greg and Beth were united in marriage.  

During the reception it hit me.  There are times when I can be sitting in a room and all I hear are voices.  I do not comprehend what everyone is saying but I can just hear everyone's voices, it's like I'm not there but my body is and my ears can hear everyone but I'm unable to speak.    This is what happened during the reception.  And then....my eyes began to well up and I began to bawl.  

Marcel asked me what was wrong.

"I do not want to turn 45."

"I was his momma at 44."

After the wedding Marcel, Adeline, and I went to visit his parents.  Marcel surprised me with a beautiful birthday cake, just like he did the year before.  This should have been a great time of celebration however grief came over me and after they sang Happy Birthday I ran out of the room, I could not take it, the pain I was feeling.

On Sunday....my actual birthday we went to church and I tried to avoid everyone that knew it was my birthday.  It was mostly successful with just a couple of people that must have been on Facebook that morning and said Happy Birthday in passing.  We came home after church, I collapsed on the couch and we ordered Papa Johns.  I fell asleep on Marcel and took a much needed nap.

My husband is a saint.  Being there for a grieving wife on her birthday is not easy.  

Sitting by a miserable human being all day is hard, but he did it.   

I have never felt pain like I did on Sunday.  It was pure, unfiltered pain.  

I did not want to live.  I scared myself.

Around 7:00pm I said, "Can we read the Bible?"  

It's the only thing I could think of that would help.  

You would think I would want to turn to the the Psalms or some other book of the Bible that you would typically turn to to find comfort but we didn't.  Instead we turned Deuteronomy 8.   You see we are reading through the Bible and we follow a reading plan and this is where we are at.  And you know what....it was the EXACT thing I needed to hear.

Usually when I'm depressed or sad Marcel does the reading and I follow along but I was in such a DEEP, DARK place I started reading, and kept reading, and kept reading.  We ended up reading chapters 8-16.  

GOD SPEAKS TO US THROUGH HIS WORD.  

"For the Lord your God is bringing you into a good land, a land of brooks of water, of fountains and springs, that flow out of valleys and hills,...." Deuteronomy 8:7

"For the Lord your God is God of gods and Lord of lords, the great God, mighty and awesome, who shows no partiality nor takes a bribe.  He administers justice of the fatherless and the widow, and loves the stranger, giving him food and clothing.  Therefor love the stranger, for you were strangers in the land of Egypt.  You shall fear the Lord your God; you shall serve Him, and to Him you shall hold fast, and take oaths in His name.  He is your praise, and He is your God, who has done for you these great and awesome things which your eyes have seen." Deuteronomy 10: 17,18

"And it shall be that if you earnestly obey My commandments which I command you today, to love the Lord your God and serve him with all your heart and with all your soul, then I will give you the rain for your land in its season, the early rain and the latter rain, that you may gather in your grain, your new wine and your oil." Deuteronomy 11: 13-14

So here I am on May 6th, God has blessed me.  I am not okay but I will be.  

Peace, love, and birthday blessings,

Amy

(Josiah's Momma)