A Mother's Guilt

Letting go of Josiah is something I really don't think about.  About a year ago I struggled with a tremendous amount of guilt.  I felt guilty about the amount of time I spent in the ER with him after he died.

I still have the time table in my head....

5:29pm I got home from work

19 minutes go by

5:48pm Marcel calls 911

5 minutes go by

5:53pm first responder arrives, we are transported to the ER

22 minutes go by

6:45pm Josiah is pronounced dead in the ER

11 minutes go by

6:56pm Marcel takes the first picture of me holding Josiah in the ER

1 hour and 4 minutes go by

8:30pm I look at the clock in our ER room and told Marcel...."Let's leave at 9:00pm."

45 minutes go by

9:15pm we tell the nurses we are ready to go, we kiss Josiah good bye for the last time

5 minutes go by

3 hours and 30 minutes from when we found Josiah we left his body at the hospital

9:20pm we meet the Medical Examiner on our way out...we walk back in with her to tell our story

55 minutes go by

10:15pm we leave the hospital to go pick up Adeline and Autumn

I experienced tremendous guilt about the amount of time I spent with Josiah after he died.  I belong to a lot of social media groups and I hear a lot of stories about parents who spend hours, sometimes days with their deceased child.  In hind sight, I now know, I could have spent as much time as I wanted with Josiah, that the ER staff would have left us in our private room to mourn and process what just happened.  That night though I did not realize this.

I remember looking at the clock and making the decision to leave at 9:00pm.  We had a 2 year old and 19 year old at home that had experienced the same trauma we did but were disconnected from their parents.  I knew we had to come together as a family and comfort our daughters. 

As I processed my grief I realized that no amount of time is correct to stay with your loved one.  

I KNEW JOSIAH WAS NOT HERE ANYMORE. 

Looking back I think I knew the moment I started CPR on him that he was gone.  I think I was able to walk out of the hospital because I knew Josiah was with God.  I knew God gave me our son on April 20, 2018 and I knew that God took him away on October 26, 2018, 6 months and 6 days after he was born.

Job 1:20-21

At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head.  Then he fell to the ground in worship and said:  "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart.  The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away: may the name of the LORD be praised."

I still struggle with my guilt but I know who my God is and I know He is in control.  When Marcel and I walked into our church the day of Josiah's funeral we walked down the long aisle to the front of the church to his tiny white coffin.  As we looked at him it was VERY APPARENT our son was not here anymore.  It did not look like him.  As I touched his hand I quickly realized this was not my son.  Sure he was dressed in the white sweater outfit I bought for him with the white bonnet and he had on the cute white socks with cross embroidered on them but this was not my son.  We quickly sat down and did not want to see him again.

Marcel and I went into our pastor's office to take a break.  We then told the funeral director he could close the coffin without us there.  We were so sure that that little 6 month old body was not our son we did not have to see or touch him before his coffin was closed.

His burial was the same.  I was not really emotional.  I didn't have an overwhelming desire to touch his coffin before they put him in the ground.  I knew he was with God.  I knew he was not here.

Sincerely,

Josiah's Momma